August 01, 2017
The Liar’s Shame
Tags: Integrity, Shame, White Lies
There are truths we just do not want to speak aloud. Sometimes we think they will hurt someone, so we lie. Other times we do not want to face the consequences of an action we took, or who we are for taking it. Alternatively, we want something, like a job or a date, and we aren’t going to get it if we tell the truth. And then there is the lying by omission, things we don’t admit to, to keep the peace. “Speaking your truth,” is more about finally expressing an opinion than it is negating the truth. This is about honesty. While some lies are white, others grey, some lies are bold faced black lies. Whatever the color is, it creates shame within you to tell it. Like clouds of yellow smoke, this shame sits between you, and yourself, tarnishing your honor.
Telling the truth takes courage. People’s feelings might get hurt, or we might not look good. We may tell ourselves we will tell the them the truth later when they, or we, are stronger and can handle it. Bonding, however, occurs through having true and authentic exchanges. When we lie to someone so they will still love us, or feel better about us, we can no longer trust in that love. It is a reality braced by the scaffolding of lies. We want a person who accepts who we truly are, warts and all.
December 30, 2013
Does It Really Have to Be A Drama?
Tags: Ceremony, Communication, Drama, Emotions, self respect, Shadow, Shame, Truth, Vulnerability
Looking at DRAMA and how we create it instead of speak our truth, especially when speaking our truth makes us feel vulnerable. We act out instead. We withhold, we provoke, we defy... But as Newton noticed, every action creates an equal and opposite reaction.
The problem with drama is it involves other people. The more responsible thing to do is own your feelings, work through them, look at their origin, process them in your journal...do ceremony to release them...communicate that you are doing this... and then, if necessary, speak what needs to be said, not the words that make you come out on top, but your truth. Then let balance unfold as it is meant to be. True, speaking your truth is going to create an effect as well but it usually brings you back into balance rather than further away from it. Our truth is the true North on our moral compass. Please, let's use it!
December 18, 2013
Cockroaches and Termites
Tags: awareness, Collusion, control, Ego, Emotions, evolution, Fear, Guilt, judgment, Negativity, Projection, Separation, Shadow, Shame, Truth
We are remodeling my bathroom to put in a tub (!)...but as we tore out the old nasty shower stall and uprooted the flooring we found the pipes had been leaking for years... the old wall wood was riddled with termites... and under the flooring lived a colony of cockroaches... It got me to thinking about shadow.
December 08, 2013
The Shame of Imperfection
Tags: acceptance, awareness, blame, Empowerment, judgment, Shadow, Shame, victim, Vulnerability
Reflecting on the great shame our culture asks us to feel about not being perfect...So many crimes against self, and others, start here. The crimes of self include not recognizing our own imperfections as our medicine. As Lao Tzu reminds us, true perfection seems imperfect, yet it is perfectly itself... but we are taught early that if we don't align with arbitrary standards we should be punished or feel shame.
The crimes against others shows up as seeing our own unowned "perfection" in others and resenting them for having it. When we stop seeing our imperfections as flaws and can instead see them more like the way the addition of lead to glass creates beautiful crystal, we can dance in the light our prisms shine instead of hide in its shadows.
December 04, 2013
Who Is Keeping Score?
Tags: acceptance, awareness, blame, Empowerment, forgiveness, Love, Shame
The Creative Force creates always from a neutral place of Love... It is not punitive, it does not punish us for past deeds...
Instead it is we who punish ourselves... It is we who interpret things "going awry" as punishment... In fact, these are just moments for growth and evolution, no more, no less...
And it is we who perceive others' actions as punishment when we feel less than... because we have been taught to live in shame...The shame that comes from the sense of punishment has long been used to control people. Doesn't our cultural mythos say we were all born to "original sin"? This creates an uphill battle for salvation from the get go... It creates a person who is easily manipulated by shame... When we can accept circumstances without overlaying cultural morality onto them then the focus shifts to awareness and responsibility. Yes, karma exists... but WE create it, good and bad...Be responsible for your actions. Be aware of how your actions affect others. Forgive. Forgive others and forgive yourself. No one else is keeping score!
November 13, 2013
Authentic Self Love
Tags: acceptance, control, Empowerment, judgment, Love, self respect, Shame, Truth
It can be painful to see the subversive plots we lay to attract attention and love... When we are still hiding it from ourselves we will have this undercurrent of self loathing... because our higher self wants to be authentic and we know we can't respect ourselves for being inauthentic. This keeps us looking outside ourselves for the validation we know we can't give ourselves yet... and the cycle continues... But when we see our grand schemes for what they are, wanting to be loved, and when we can own them, we can drop the subversive behavior that sickens us about ourselves. In the end we find we love ourselves much more because we are authentic, and we can then look to others for it much less...
November 12, 2013
What You Deserve
Tags: entitlement, awareness, blame, Ego, Empowerment, self respect, Shame, victim, Withholding
Reflecting on the concept of deserving... My question is this, Who is keeping score? Who decides if in fact we do deserve something or not?! The whole concept of deserving is based entirely on a tally our ego keeps. None of it is real. We all deserve the moon! It reminds me of the concept that if we are good we will go to heaven. The rewards for living a good life are a good life, not some external pat on the back. And if we do deserve something... that implies someone else may not... What is that about?!
"No, I am sorry, you cannot have that... you do not deserve it"??? WTH?! Are we in kindergarten here?
And what if we 'don't deserve' something... He 'didn't deserve to be treated that way'... Again, who is keeping score? Stuff happens... the concept of deserving it makes it personal when in fact the unfolding of the universe is... just that... There is nothing personal about it.
September 09, 2013
Those Pesky Emotions
Tags: awareness, Being Present, blame, Emotions, Shame, victim, Vulnerability
We can not control the world... only our reactions to it.
It is a prescription for victimhood to make the world responsible for our emotional well being... it very unlikely it can comply with our demands.
To remain in our power and grace we must learn to navigate our own discomfort and find ways of transmuting fear, pain and anger into understanding and compassion, creating as few ripples outward as possible.
September 08, 2013
Tags: acceptance, awareness, blame, Emotions, judgment, Negativity, Paradigm shift, Perception, Projection, Shadow, Shame, victim
We become victims when we are unwilling to sit with the discomfort of feelings that are coming up in us because of a situation we are in. It is easier to transmute the discomfort of vulnerability into blame or anger and redirect it at something outside of us.
The indisputable part of our story is our pain.
September 03, 2013
Emotions Are Part of Being A Mammal!
Tags: brain, Emotions, Shame
Emotions are the weather system of the soul. To have them is not shameful. We are designed to feel. A whole part of our brain, the limbic brain, is dedicated to producing emotional states of consciousness. Someone who is expressing emotion does not need to be "fixed" so that we can FEEL more comfortable and less helpless. This objectifies them and creates a power differential. They need, instead, to be met where they are, seen and held in our hearts....