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August 01, 2017

The Liar’s Shame

Tags: Integrity, Shame, White Lies

There are truths we just do not want to speak aloud. Sometimes we think they will hurt someone, so we lie. Other times we do not want to face the consequences of an action we took, or who we are for taking it. Alternatively, we want something, like a job or a date, and we aren’t going to get it if we tell the truth. And then there is the lying by omission, things we don’t admit to, to keep the peace. “Speaking your truth,” is more about finally expressing an opinion than it is negating the truth. This is about honesty. While some lies are white, others grey, some lies are bold faced black lies. Whatever the color is, it creates shame within you to tell it. Like clouds of yellow smoke, this shame sits between you, and yourself, tarnishing your honor.

Telling the truth takes courage. People’s feelings might get hurt, or we might not look good. We may tell ourselves we will tell the them the truth later when they, or we, are stronger and can handle it. Bonding, however, occurs through having true and authentic exchanges. When we lie to someone so they will still love us, or feel better about us, we can no longer trust in that love. It is a reality braced by the scaffolding of lies. We want a person who accepts who we truly are, warts and all. 

Every time we lie, we deprive ourselves of emotional intimacy. Closeness comes from being vulnerable and sharing, even when its difficult. We fear we won’t get what we want if we are honest, but if we can’t say how we really feel, or what we have really done, who we are really seeing, what we like, and don’t, we cannot have a real exchange about it. Sometimes that is the point. Conflict terrifies us. But these lies also let us avoid what the true problem is. As long as we lie about our actions, we remain unable to address the dark dysfunction behind them. This leaves our relationships to wither and die away, becoming far more functional than intimate.

Relationships based on lies and deception, even well intentioned, are lacking in respect. If we are lying because they will say no, we have decided whether they can handle the truth, instead of giving them the chance to struggle with their objections, and reflect on their limits. We cannot learn to trust, or grow, if we are not given opportunities that challenge our fears. When we lie to another to keep the peace, we are stealing from them a chance to evolve. Further, as we enable them, we also lose our respect for them, because apparently, they can’t handle the truth. But let’s face it, when we save someone by lying to them, we are really just sparing ourselves from embarrassment or struggle. True intimacy comes from knowing your truth and sharing it, even if it is difficult. We grow closer by honoring each other, and seeing the other as capable of working through their differences with us.

When we choose to lie, it is really to save ourselves. Worse than lying to someone else, by making this choice, we are lying to ourselves. You can feel the emptiness of a lie. It’s hollow. It creates shame that seeps down into the corners of who we are, and makes us not like, or respect ourselves. It dims our light and sinks us into a sea of self loathing, separating us from who we truly can be. The truth has its own solid frequency that rings within us when spoken. While it is definitely harder to speak it, find your courage! Through it you will attract higher vibrations of reality. Honor your self and keep your truth burning bright!

Christina Allen, an Intuitive, Healer, Teacher and Founder and Director of the Austin Shamanic Center combines strong science (BA Physics, MS Neuroscience) with decades of applied ancient spiritual wisdom (Master Yogi, Reiki Master, Shamanic Healer, based, in part, on Q’ero Indian traditions of Peru). Offering profound Shamanic Self Development Workshops and personal healings. Learn more at or (512) 391-9829.

© Austin All Natural, August 2017.

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