September 01, 2015
Giving The Hero A Rest
We were all raised to believe in the Hero, a caped man, woman, or dog even, who swoops in to save the day. We see strength and altruism in this archetype and we want to emulate it. Every kid has stuffed a towel in their shirt and run around the living room, jumping off chairs in an attempt to fly like Superman. We pretend to have superpower strengths as we slay the most daunting of monsters. As we grew up many of us continue to play out these roles in our adult lives.
Men, especially, have traditionally been charged with the task of being the hero of their families. They have been the go-to person to fix all that goes awry in the household, and until relatively recently, have provided the lion’s share of the income. They’ve kept the roof from leaking, the cupboards full, and they’ve protected the premises from intruders. We have asked them to be our heroes and we have asked them to be our warriors. These roles, however, demand a certain amount of emotional distance. A hero doesn’t cry, and someone sensitive to another’s pain, does not a good warrior make. In fact, we have trained our young boys to deny their feelings so they can step up and “be a man.” There is no analogous role for a woman. There are traits we expect a woman to have but no equivalent pressure to “be a woman.” Many women in our culture even choose to adapt themselves to these same standards, because they are so highly emphasized.
This external cloak of manhood makes many feel as if their value rests outside themselves, in the tasks of doing and fixing, instead of internally, in the strength of being. Unfortunately, when we ask someone to negate their feelings and intuition to identify with an ideal, they lose their internal compass and their connection to their true selves. They become a two dimensional object rather than a three dimensional person. Further, teaching our boys to objectify themselves as “men” teaches them to objectify others. Our subsequent relationships become wooden and emotionally stilted.
While there is a time and place for Heroism, it is not in our intimate relationships. When the Hero shows up he has come to save the day. Most people do not want to be saved, they want to be heard and supported. When we step into Hero and see something as “needing to be fixed,” we separate ourselves from the person, focusing on their problem. Instead of creating closeness this creates distance and even a power differential, for the Hero must rise above the sufferer to save them. Men and women both do this to each other. Many relationships get stuck in this dynamic. No one wants to share their vulnerabilities, only to be perceived as broken. They want to feel supported in moving through their stuff.
If we want authentic relationships we must honor vulnerability, intuition and feelings first. We want to hone our authenticity and sensitivity, knowing that the rest are just roles we play to get things done, not our true identity. It is important to be strong, capable and fearless when we have dragons to slay at the office, to be sure, but the Hero, or Warrior, is a solitary, singular and even adversarial role. Implicit within it is “me vs them;” to commune with another person from this place invites conflict and distance. True soul connections require us to be present and vulnerable. We must be able to slip these roles on when needed and then take them off. We must be able to pull the cape out of our shirts and reach for our comfortable slippers when we get home, knowing we can save the day again tomorrow.
Christina Allen’s work as an Intuitive, Healer, Teacher and Founder and Director of the Austin Shamanic Center, combines a strong science background (BA Physics, MS Neuroscience) with decades of applied ancient spiritual wisdom (Master Yogi, Reiki Master, and profound Shamanic Healing based on Q’ero Indian traditions of Peru). Available by private appointment. Learn more about sessions and upcoming classes at www.AustinShamanicCenter.com or (512) 391 9829.
© Austin All Natural, September 2015